


and the walls spin like you know it’s all been coming

by ultranos



Series: used to be a part of me that never thought to doubt [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-12 01:04:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7078105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultranos/pseuds/ultranos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The course of love never did run smooth.  Although someone needs to take the jackhammer away.</p>
<p>In which communication is hard and Alex and Lucy actually have the conversation they need to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and the walls spin like you know it’s all been coming

The problem with good intentions is that life gets in the way.

It’s four weeks since Alex took an ill-advised swim, four weeks since something sat unsaid between her and Lucy, three weeks since she finished the backlog of shows she’s been meaning to watch, two weeks since finishing the backlog of books, and one week since Doctor Liu actually let her come back to light deskwork instead of letting her stare at the blank walls of her apartment. Their lives are crazy; it’s easy to just push things off, let conversations fall by the wayside. Because that shit’s not _important_ when the world is in danger every Tuesday.

The paperwork, on the other hand, takes the rest of the week. Alex is convinced Lucy is taking advantage of the fact she’s chained to a desk to foist off all the paperwork. (Why are there so many forms? Why are they all on paper? Will someone think of the trees?) And it’s not like she can complain, because then Lucy would just point out way too damn reasonably that she doesn’t _have_ to be here.

So while other people get to go fight aliens, Alex gets to fight bureaucracy's overwhelming need for triplicate.

“If there’s one part of the job I don’t miss, it’s that,” a voice comes from the doorway of her lab.

Alex’s head shoots up. “J’onn! You’re back!”

“Just got back not too long ago and thought I’d check in.”

“How’s space?”

He smiles, pulling up a chair as he sits down. “Space is fine.” Alex gives him a deadpan look, and he just chuckles. “Honest. Superman just needed a little back-up. Everything’s good. On the other hand, what this it I hear you did to yourself this time?”

She groans and buries her face in her hands. “I’m fine.”

“If you were ‘fine’, you wouldn’t be here at this desk.” He’s right, dammit. “And no, I’m not going to spring you.”

Dammit.

She slides her hands from her face. “Please don’t tell me you’re just here to mock my pain.”

“No. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something Superman and I discussed.” J’onn frowned and Alex straightened a bit in her seat. “I asked him about Cadmus.”

The words are like a lightning bolt to the brain. “And?”

He shakes his head. “He hadn’t heard about it.” Alex deflates, sinking back into her chair. “But...he said he’d ask his friend Lois to see if she could start digging.”

Lois. Lois Lane. Lois I-have-a-freaking-Pulitzer-for-Investigative-Reporting _Lane_.

Alex feels like there’s ice caught in her throat. The cold choking that slithers down and pools in her gut, burning and freezing at the same time. J’onn is saying something, looking concerned, but she can’t hear him over the roaring in her ears.

She bolts out of her office, dodging J’onn’s hand. Not now, can’t stop, this isn’t right and it’s too damn much. She’s dimly aware of DEO agents scrambling out of her way as she stalks down the hallways. 

Alex can’t bring herself to care.

The door to the office crashes open as she storms through, and Lucy’s head snaps up the second she enters. Alex kicks the door shut (no one has to hear this, no one gets to interrupt) before she slams her hands down on the top of the desk.

“Alex, what the he— “

“What the _fuck_ are you playing at?”

Lucy stares up at her, arms crossing against her chest. “You’re going to have to give me more than that.”

Alex grinds her jaw. “Oh I do, do I? Fine,” she spits. “How about this: what the _fuck_ is with this bullshit with Cadmus.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Alex.”

“You walked in here with Colonel Asshole who was deep enough to know about _my dad_. You were fine shipping me off to that dark hole. And you’re gonna tell me you have no idea what the fuck it even _is_?”

Lucy’s face goes blank. “Unlike some people around here, I am not actually a mind-reader. So no, I don’t actually know.”

“So explain me a thing: what the hell are you doing about that?” Alex leans forward. “Because I’m not the one with all the connections.”

“What do you want me to do? My hands are goddamn tied,” she hisses. “I can’t just go tearing off whenever the fuck I feel like.”

“Your sister is the best fucking investigative reporter in the country. Your father is a general. And you’re going to stand here and tell me you can do jack shit?”

“Newsflash, Danvers, but it doesn’t work that way.” Lucy’s up on her feet, getting in Alex’s face as much as possible. “I can’t bring my family into my own damn problems.”

Alex growls, deep in her throat, feeling the jab. There’s a problem and no one’s doing anything for a solution and _goddammit all keep Kara out of this_. “Can’t? Or _won’t_? Are you still being the good little lapdog for dear old dad? What’d you have to promise to get back — “

_Crack_.

Alex’s head whips to the side from the force of the slap. She blinks, and then feels the blood drain from her face. “I shouldn’t have said that,” she whispers.

Lucy stares at her hand. Alex can’t read the look in her eyes and that more than anything else makes it feel like a block of ice has dropped into her stomach. Her throat tightens, can’t pull in air, can’t breathe even if she tried.

Lucy still hasn’t said anything.

Alex drops her gaze to the ground, shuffles backwards towards the door. “I...” she croaks, forcing the words past a too-thick tongue and a stinging jaw, “I...I should go.”

She can’t dare to look up, can’t bring herself to see that look on Lucy’s face and maybe she’s a coward, maybe she’s running (again) but there’s something crumbling underneath her feet and she just needs to get out.

J’onn’s waiting outside the door (of course he is) and she dodges around his outstretched hand. “Alex?”

She can’t deal with it, not right now. The worry, concern (disappointment) she that she knows is painted on his face. “I...I need to go home. I’m...still not up to work, I guess.” Her voice shakes, just a little, and dammit she needs out right _now_. “Doc Liu will be pleased.”

It’s weak, and it doesn’t fool J’onn for a moment. “Alex, what —”

Her eyes are closed and she knows the smile on her face is brittle as rotted ice. “I’ll be fine. I just need to go.”

J’onn doesn’t stop her again.

Alex makes it to her apartment before the phone rings. It’s Kara. _Of course_ it’s Kara.

“J’onn said you and Lucy had a fight,” Kara goes right into it, in lieu of a greeting.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I’ll be over as soon as Ms. Grant lets me go, and don’t worry, I’ll pick up those tacos you like — “

“Kara, don’t you have a date with James tonight?”

“He’ll understand. I can reschedule it. It’s not the first time we’ve had to move this date around anyway.”

God fucking dammit. No. She can’t do this. Alex might be an absolute disaster and apparently incapable of being trusted to not fuck up her own relationships, but there is no goddamn way she’s going to let Kara do the same. If nothing else, Alex will not fuck up her sister’s life more than she already has.

“No. It’s fine. Just...I’ll be fine.”

“Alex.”

“Just _go_ , Kara. I’m home. I’m not going anywhere.” Alex takes a breath. “ _Please_.”

The line is silent. “Only if you promise to call me if you need anything,” Kara finally says.

“Okay.”

“Seriously. Anything.”

Alex rests her forehead against the doorframe. “Go have fun, Kara. Don’t worry about me.”

“That isn’t making me less worried.”

“Tomorrow, then. You can come over tomorrow. Just...just not tonight, okay?”

The compromise seems to appease Kara enough that she lets it go. The call leaves Alex feeling drained, leaning against the doorframe before she pushes herself off and stumbles into her tiny excuse for a living room and over to the liquor cabinet.

There’s a bottle there, way in the back and hidden from sight. There’s no label, and when she cracks open the bottle, it smells strong enough to double as sterilizing agent in a bio lab. The amber liquid sloshes around as Alex takes a swig straight from the bottle.

It tastes like turpentine and asphalt and it burns like mad as it goes down, enough to leave her gasping after she swallows the fire down. But maybe it can burn enough to cauterize, and if it can’t, well, maybe she’ll just drink herself stupid enough to not notice it.

Alex takes another swig and collapses into a kitchen chair. The bottle rests on the table, her fingers curled tightly around it.

The argument echoes through her brain, driving through her skull like knives. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. If she’d just stopped to think for half a second, she’d have put together two and two to realize that of course Lucy couldn’t tell her sister. It’d be blindingly obvious to anyone with two neurons capable of firing of where the leak was if Lois Lane started poking around. But no. Of fucking course Alex can’t manage to do that because that would have been the goddamn smart thing.

She knew this was going to fall apart. She knew that she’d fuck it up somehow. (Nothing ever lasts, does it, not with her around?) Although this time is significantly more spectacular than the others.

It takes her longer than she’d care to admit to eventually realize that the pounding she was hearing was not just inside her head and was coming from her front door. Dammit Kara. Alex stumbles over to the door to let her in, making sure to leave the bottle on the table because if her sister saw it in her hand, Alex knew she’d never get her out of the apartment.

“Kara, I told you...” she says as she opens the door.

Lucy looks back at her. “Hi.” She chews her lip. “Can...can we talk?”

It takes a moment for her brain to reboot, and she’s staring like an idiot, but Alex manages to nod and shuffles aside. 

Lucy steps through, looks up at her face and winces. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I kind of deserved —”

“No.” Lucy bites off the word, sharp and pointed, shaking her head. “No, you did not deserve that and I’m sorry.”

Alex blinks, a little off-balance. “It’s nothing worse than when we beat the crap out of each other in training.”

“No, it’s not the same and I’m sorry.” Lucy runs a hand through her hair. “But we need to talk about this.”

Alex slumps, shoulders curling in. Might as well just get it over with. “For what it’s worth, I am sorry I said that. It was out of line.”

“But a little true.” Lucy’s voice is low, full of recrimination. She’s got a bitter smile when Alex stares at her. “Always General Lane’s daughter. They called me Lt. Spit-and-Polish, back at my first posting, and according to scuttlebutt, I was only there because Daddy said so. Don’t you know it’s easy to get medals and commendations when someone can just pull the strings for you?” She shakes her head. “I went to a godforsaken desert on the other side of the world to escape my sister’s shadow and ended up smack in the middle of my father’s.”

Something in Alex’s chest hurts, feels like it’s been carved out hollow inside her lungs, stealing the breath and leaving her empty. “I didn’t know that.” She kind of wants to slam her head into a wall, because oh my god you idiot of course that’s how it would have gone. Way to fucking go, pouring acetone onto an open wound like that. She’s lucky Lucy didn’t punch her in the mouth for that. “I’m _sorry_.”

“It’s not like I made it public.” Her hands twitch at her sides, like she’s not sure what to do with them. “How’d you know it was a sore point?”

Alex sighs and collapses back in the kitchen chair. “Of all people, I should have guessed. At least your yardstick of familial accomplishment is older than you.”

Lucy raises an eyebrow and sits down in the chair opposite and reaches for the now-half-empty bottle. “Really? You and Kara?” She takes a pull and then makes a face. “Jesus christ, Danvers, I thought you had _taste_.”

“Yeah, see, that,” she says, taking the bottle away, “does not normally see the light of day. The real stuff is over on the shelf.”

“What in the world possessed you to drink that shit if you have actually drinkable stuff?” Lucy asks, heading over to the shelf in question.

_I thought I fucked up_ , Alex doesn’t say. _I thought I lost you. I think I might still have fucked up._ But her throat is too tight and the world seems too fragile, that everything will shatter if she so much as opens her mouth. Instead she stares at the half-empty bottle in front of her, watching the way the light splays amber patterns onto the table, a swirling gold that she can’t touch. There’s a metaphor in here somewhere.

“Alex?”

“I...it seemed right for the occasion.”

“...you and I have a fight and you go home to drown yourself in paint thinner.” Lucy comes back with a bottle. “You sure know how to make a girl feel good, Danvers.”

There is no good response to that so Alex doesn’t even try. Let’s try not saying anything and see if that works better.

“Lois was always the pretty one, the star, the untouchable one,” Lucy says after taking a swig of Alex’s actually-good whiskey. (She makes a note of which bottle Lucy picked up; if this isn’t completely ruined, she’ll have to keep it stocked) “Me? I’m lucky people remember I exist half the time.”

“What?” Failed step one. Oh well.

If Lucy heard her, it doesn’t even matter. “How was I supposed to compete with that? I’m pretty sure no one got drunk over me, not with anyone else around. Really, I wasn’t even surprised when it didn’t work out with James. I should be used to always coming in second.”

“I’d choose you.” The words escape before Alex can stop them, just a little too slow from the alcohol. Lucy stills. Oh shit. Alex tries for humor. “It’s not like you have to worry about Kara because no. If it means anything.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Well, Kara is my _sister_...”

“I meant the other part, smartass.”

“I...” Oh goddamn her life choices, this was not somewhere she wanted to go. But Lucy is looking at her expectantly, with eyes that see too damn much, so really what’s the point in trying to fake it anymore? “It’s not like I’m any sort of first prize. So it’s not like my opinion matters on that front.” She takes a pull from the bottle of shit whiskey and tries to ignore the look Lucy is giving her, because if she’s this far down, might as well just go all the way. “I don’t even know why you’re here.”

“Well, I would say it’s because we clearly need to talk, but I get the impression we’re a little further than I thought.” She gently pries the bottle out of Alex’s hand. “Talk to me, Alex.”

“I just...I don’t understand why me. Out of anyone, why are you here with me?” Lucy opens her mouth, but Alex cuts her off. “I’ve seen your record, Lucy. Combat and JAG Corps? And your JD is from where again? Anyone not seeing you is a moron. I just don’t understand why you’re wasting your time with me. I turned hiding in my sister’s shadow into a goddamn _career_.”

Calloused fingers grip her chin, firm enough that Alex can’t look away from Lucy’s suddenly-bright eyes. “You,” she says, tilting Alex’s head forward just a little, “are not a waste of time, _doctor_. And you’re only hiding because you want to now.”

“This is going to end badly.” The words fall from her tongue, and she’s unable to stop them, not this time. It’s half-apology and half-prediction, because she can’t not warn her again, of just what she’s getting herself into. There are people who are bound by what they are, and Alex knows where she carries her chains. And yet, she can’t not try anyway. She leans forward and catches Lucy’s lips with her own, soft as she can. “I am going to fuck up. I thought I _already_ fucked up. I can’t promise you I won’t, if you’re still willing to put up with me.”

“Finally she gets it,” Lucy murmurs before kissing her again. “Although you taste like a still,” she says against her mouth before pulling away.

“Occupational hazard?”

“I guess I better get used to hazard pay.” Lucy kisses her once more before pulling back. “Although dinner would also be acceptable.”

Alex drops her head against the table. “Do you mind if we just do delivery? I’m in no condition to actually attempt to wield a knife without blood getting involved.”

“Even if you were, I’m not sure I want to try your kitchen attempts.”

“I am not that bad.”

“Ramen doesn’t count.”

Alex picks her head up, squinting. “Excuse you, I make an excellent ramen.”

“Adding an egg, while quadrupling the nutritional value, is not exactly a culinary achievement.”

“Fine then, be that way. There’s a stack of takeout menus on the counter.”

“Oh I’m sure I can find them in your vast wasteland of a kitchen.” Lucy calls out as she makes her way over to the stack.

Alex watches, completely bemused, as Lucy stands in her kitchen thumbing through a pile of menus (and wondering why there are five different Chinese ones). She looks for all the world like she belongs there. Alex blinks; it’s jarring and natural. And as she tips her chair back to watch clearly, smile starting to form on her lips, she wonders if maybe, just maybe, they can make this actually work.


End file.
